The Authentic Man
Relationship and intimacy coach for men. Personal sessions, connection retreats and workshops.
David Chambers writes…
Emotions can be scary. Especially when we’re confronted with the idea of having to share them with others. And especially those emotions that hurt, such as the pain and sadness of rejection. Or the feeling of being abandoned, discarded and ignored after being heart-broken.
It’s no wonder so many of us choose to put on a ‘brave-face’ above honesty and openness. Yet we keep hearing this word ‘vulnerability’ and the importance of speaking about how we truly think and feel if we want to create better and deeper connections, romantic or in general.
Despite this, we can’t help but feel it’s a lie, or perhaps that being ‘vulnerable and emotionally naked’ is just not for us.
This particularly applies to men. We bury our emotions, thinking it’s somehow the manly or noble thing to do in not expressing our emotions to the outside world (and sometimes even ourselves).
We couldn’t possibly be expected to openly share our deep, secret thoughts and feelings with another person. We assume that no-one wants to know our weaknesses. So we hide all the ‘yucky’ stuff.
Rounded
But surely, what people really want is a well-rounded and - most of all - confident human being as their ideal partner? After all, that’s what we are looking for ourselves, right? We’re already too much of an emotional mess and wreck to have to deal with someone else’s drama. We need someone who’s a rock and dependable because we are not.
If you’ve resonated with the words above, then recognise you are not alone. And that’s a key point. Everyone feels like this. And yet we walk around like we are the only ones. As if we are especially unique and broken in a world of ‘perfect’ people. When in fact we all feel a little lost sometimes. The reality is that we co-exist with everyone on the planet, many of whom feel the same. It’s just that no one is talking about it!
OK. A small percentage of people are truly open in talking about how they really feel. While the rest of us live in the pretence of perfection. Source: most of social media.
In the real world, our confidence and success might be fleeting. But our truth, about how we think and feel, is always consistent. The more you acknowledge that your shame is the same as others, the less you’ll feel ashamed. The more you open up and talk about how you feel, the more you give permission for others to do the same. By speaking vulnerably, you create a fundamental bridge of connection with everyone around you. The connection of feeling.
Not all your feelings will be positive but let them come, feel them, and most importantly let them go. Release them with the speed they came with. But feel them, feel them in your body and your heart, then say goodbye to them.
This process will put you so much more in touch with yourself, and enable you to connect both with yourself and others. For if the people you spend your time with don’t know how you are feeling, do they really know how you are?
Being emotionally naked means you’ve shed the pretence of perfect. You’ve reconciled the inner child’s fear of shame and embarrassment, and you’ve matured into a fully grown and expressed human. Your reward is deeper, you are more loving, and you will make more fruitful connections. You understand others better and you let them be who they are, without judgement, because you no longer judge yourself.
So embrace your secret desires and flaws and share how you really feel. Shed your shame. As a naturist, you have already shed your clothes. Now it’s time to become emotionally naked as well.
David Chambers is a London-based relationship and intimacy coach for men (theauthenticman.net). He is a certified spiritual, sexual, shamanic and tantra practitioner, has a diploma in transformational coaching, and runs a series of communication and connection retreats and workshops.